


Matchmaker, Matchmaker

by jezebel_rising



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Comedy, F/M, Fluff and Crack, I REGRET NOTHING, M/M, Matchmater Snoke, Multi, blame my not!grandma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-11 06:17:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13518303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jezebel_rising/pseuds/jezebel_rising
Summary: Matchmaker Snoke, who has been blessed by the Force to see compatible matches. It's not HIS fault he has to conquer the Republic to make his vision come true. He's just doing what he's supposed to!





	Matchmaker, Matchmaker

**Author's Note:**

> Blame my not!grandma for this. She was a kick in the pants. Also, I had some *cough* Issues with The Last Jedi that I apparently needed humor to deal with. *shrugs* I REGRET NOTHING.

 

     For the record, the whole Supreme Commander thing? It was a joke.

     Well. It was _supposed_ to be a joke. A funny little aside, known only to his select few friends. Friends who were supposed to _thank him_ for pairing them off with their most beloved significant others, to have and to hold, for all the Force-held time. It was _not_ supposed to spiral out of his control, one favor after another until he found himself on a throne, in _robes_ , running a coup on the Republic.

      Then again, matchmaking was what he did best. And oh, by the  _Force_ did the Republic need a swift kick in the pants for a wake up call. No no  _no_ , that was  _not_ how one paired off a Republic Senator and for the love of all things holy, really, Senator Organa? A  _smuggler_ ? No, no,  _no_ , Snoke could do  _much_ better for her, if only she would  _listen._

      And, just like he predicted, that relationship slid on rocky ground until their poor boy was caught right in the middle of it. And such a cutie, really, how in the world did Organa not pay attention to the lamb? Then, oh  _then_ , Organa had the  _gall_ to send that little cutie to the fashion disaster that was her brother. War hero aside, Luke was  _blond_ . He wore  _black_ . Snoke had  _seen_ pictures of former Jedi masters. THERE WERE PASTELS HE COULD HAVE CHOSEN. But oh, no. Black.  _Black_ . 

      Clearly,  _clearly_ Snoke had to do something.

      While he would admit, one thing did lead to another (and another and then another, but that's just how it worked, sometimes!), but really. Things could be worse? Did they not SEE his interior décor? There were  _themes_ . Specifically placed pops of chrome. It was lovely. And his dear, dear boys. How they strove to make him proud. It wasn't  _his_ fault the rest of the Republic thought they were bent on Imperial domination. Which, look, it had a nice ring? A certain pizzazz? He could work with an Imperial theme. He could do  _seasons_ . Then he could  _really_ get to work and everyone then would  _really_ thank him. It wasn't like he  _asked_ to be blessed by the Force to see highly compatible matches between people. It was a  _calling_ . He had no choice!

      Dear Kylo (and really, who in their Force-addled mind named their child Ben anymore? It was a ridiculously old and outdated name. Snoke was  _saving_ the lamb from decades of ridicule, that's what he was doing!) was his most promising apprentice. The boy's dark eyes (and really, those rugged locks? Wide swath of shoulders? Who  _wouldn't_ listen to the young man?) could pierce a body, forcing them to give away all the tells a good matchmaker needed. Did they desire domination? Did they desire to do the dominating? Or were they more apt to a give and a take, compatible with many, but picky in the extreme? Oh, Snoke adored those challenges, hoarded them all up and gave them stylish suits of armor. Why, nothing could hurt them! He hadn't found their perfect match yet! It just wasn't done!

      His youngest, Hux, was a spitfire in the extreme. Redheads always were! But what he lacked in the talent department, Hux made up for in pure determination. Of his two boys, Hux was the most  _committed_ , but he always needed a good  _push_ . The boy thrived in being challenged, and like any good parent, Snoke did what he could to make sure his boy reached his highest potential. (Now, if only he could do something about Hux's little jealousy problem with Kylo. Really, the poor thing needed to just give that up. Kylo would always be Snoke's chosen successor, by the vast amounts of talent alone. He wasn't playing favorites! It's just how it was!)

      That was why Snoke was  _always_ on the look out for Kylo's perfect match. A good matchmaker had to have a solid base to support them, after all! And that Rey. Why, she was  _lovely_ . No family to interfere, no relatives to complain about the lack of visits. And he could have a daughter in law! Oh, the  _things_ he could do! The parties he could throw! The  _dresses_ ! It was just  _perfect_ . Now all they had to do was convince the poor thing that Skywalker was out of his mind (and really, did no one else see that hair cut? The shaggy beard? Skywalker was  _well_ beyond the years where he could pull that off and look  _handsome_ . It was just  _sad_ now. Not in the least desirable at  _all_ .) It took barely a thought to connect his Kylo with Rey. After all, familiarity in a strange situation made for perfect bedfellows, right? Right! It was a perfect plan and  _it worked_ . Why, the girl came to them! It was just as he foresaw. 

      Now, next on his list was a good base for Hux. A project, perhaps, spitfires like himself, something for him to push and pull off of. There  _had_ been one of his mix-and-match assets he had been eyeing as a good partner for his Hux, however...perhaps his Hux needed an even bigger challenge? And what was more challenging than two spouses over one! But first that pesky Resistance just  _had_ to go. Then he would have Hux's perfect matches all set!

      But...why  _was_ the girl arguing so? Oh, blast it all. Sometimes a parent had to be stern! But no matter. It would all work out in the end.

      After all, he had Seen it!

 

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me at my tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/jezebel-rising


End file.
